My emotions are high, and I cant help but think to myself "Why am I just meeting so-and-so NOW? I wish I had more time with them." But that's just my brain trying to hold on to anything to make Atlanta stick. It worked last time, but not this time damnit!
Weirdly my anxiety left me for a couple weeks after that less than a month mark. Gone entirely. Then it came back with a vengeance Saturday at my going away party. I think the thing I have been stressing over so much the last several days is the possibility that perhaps I will embark on this trip, this trip I have dreamed of my entire life, longed over, cried over, felt desperately empty in not currently doing it, a defining goal that is as much a part of me as my left arm - what if it turns out to be something I dont enjoy? I dont want? What if I hate it? If that were to happen I know I would feel utterly lost. Lost in who I am, lost in where to go next. This dream has been so imperative to me as a person, I dont know what I would do without it. I would have to start over entirely, unsure of myself as a person. That thought is terrifying. And this is the moment, finally, where my fantasy becomes a reality and I am going to know the answer. What if it isnt the answer I want?
And all of that was suddenly on me at my going away party, it was almost too real. My chosen family, and some of my blood family, were all saying goodbye to me. Never to know when I will return. Telling me how important I've been to them, how much they love me, how Atlanta wont be the same anymore. That was quite intense. Emotions were high for all of us.
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| My cousin, myself, and mama at my going away party! |
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| My lady came up from Tallahassee to send me off |
The next day James got a hotel room for us at the Marriott on the top floor! It was absolutely breathtaking. I got to fall asleep overlooking the city I love. I kept thinking of Macklemore's song "My Oh My" the line goes a bit like this "My city, my city, my childhood, my life, that's right under those lights. My oh my." To be honest I kept replacing childhood with the word home though. Atlanta has been my home for the last five years and I've found more of a home in Atlanta than I ever have anywhere else. It's hard to be leaving, but I know it's what I need to do. I dont have the desire to settle anywhere permanently for quite some time. There is just too much of the world to see! Getting to spend time overlooking the city I love that has been so so good to me, was such a treat & honestly was quite emotional. It's always cool getting to overlook a place, get the bird's eye view. Suddenly everything looks so tiny and so big all at the same time.
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| LOOK at that view! |
I found a lot of myself in Atlanta. It has been the perfect place for me, meeting the most amazing people who inspired and motivated me. I got to lose myself in every adventure I could happen upon - and wow there have been so many! I will forever be grateful to those in my life who have helped shape me, but now is the time for me to go out alone and put in the finishing touches.
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